A place for moms to connect
So I've been dating the boyfriend for two years now. He has two teenage daughters, almost 12 and 13. We just spent a lovely weekend together a week ago. I was going to take my kids to the fair and they didn't want to go. Said their mother told them fairs were dirty and sleezy and they would probably get attacked by carnies. So I canceled my plans and his kids and my kids had a lovely weekend. We rented all the new releases, ordered pizza, sang karaoke, and went halloween costume shopping for his girls. I took them to six different stores so they could get everything they wanted from the hose, to the wings, wigs, glittery hairspray, fake eyelashes, nails, the dress. It wasn't cheap either. They picked it out too. Tried on the dress in the dressing room. Anyway, this weekend is my middle child's birthday. She turns 5 on Friday. We've had plans all month to go to the Mickey's Not So Scary Halloween Party. We are passholders and were hoping to get in on Saturday for the openeing of Fantasyland. My Violet is a BIG, BIG, BIG Ariel fan and is super excited about going on the new Ariel ride and meeting Ariel as a Mermaid but I was unable to procure a spot. However, I've been reading online that they have been opening the ride on some of the Halloween parties so maybe just maybe. Anyway, we invited his girls to go with us and my friend Heather and her two kids.
So last night he calls them to arrange picking them up for trick or treating and they were on speaker phone. They went off on the costume I bought them (which they picked out). Said the wings were too big and were adult sized. Said the dress didn't have adjustable straps so their mother retook them shopping and bought them all new costumes and that they won costume contests in the ones their mother bought. Said they want to go to Disney World this weekend but that my kids are annoying little brats in so many words(ages 3, soon to be 5, and 7) but they still want to go to Disney World but want nothing to do with my kids whatsoever this weekend. They want their dad to take them around Disney sans my family. It was terribly hurtful and shocking to hear since I swear we just had the most wonderful weekend together.
Thus far I had only ordered one hotel room. It said if you order two hotel rooms in the same name one might get canceled because they would think it was a duplicate so I had been waiting for my mother to come back from Vermont to reserve a second room in her name. She's going . So I told him after hearing that, I don't want his kids to come anymore. I want my daughter to feel loved and wanted on her birthday and she loves his kids and wouldnt understand why they wouldn't want to hang out with her on her birthday when that was the original plan. If they want a daddy daughter weekend, I think that's great but not on my dime. I don't feel like I should pick them up from their mother's house 45 mins out of my way on Friday and deliver them to their dad and have them stay in a hotel I reserved when I can invite someone who wants to celebrate with Violet and spend more time with my special girl on her special day. and when I responded I can return all the costume stuff with the receipts, they replied that they can wear them to the Mickey's Not So Scary Halloween Party. He says their teens and they dont want to hang out with little kids and he sees their mother's influence at work here and not to be mad. I'm not mad but my feelings are very much hurt but I want to make sure I handle this the right way. Thoughts ?
I think your boyfriend is correct that the teenagers do not want to hang out with younger kids. Most kids are self-absorbed at that age and I don't mean that in a negative way. It just is part of becoming their own people. Don't take it personally. It probably has nothing to do with their mother.
I would take my kids to Disney and have a wonderful time celebrating the birthday and your child. Boyfriend can decide whether or not to go with you. I would just tell your children they couldn't make it. They really don't need any additional explaination at their age. You are first and foremost a mother and that should be your priority. No one else can be their mom. Enjoy every minute of it as it goes by too fast! And boyfriends can come or go...
I think also that his kids are probably not thrilled at the potential of a new, bigger family (not sure how serious you are) and I'm sure they feel threatened by the situation. They may feel like you are taking him away from their full attention. Your comment on the daddy-daughter weekend make it sounds like that way. It all sounds like a normal reaction to me. Don't take it personally. It's not about you.
I personally wouldn't go out of my way toting them around and paying for a daddy-daughter vacation. If boyfriend declines your invitation then it's his choice and he can do whatever he wants with his girls. Separately. If he joins you and the girls chose not to then it's their choice. I personally think boyfriend should join you and invite his girls. If they decline then at least they have been invited. I would tell them sorry they won't be able to make it but it's their choice and you want them to be happy. I think it's reasonable to tell them it's not a good weekend for daddy-daughter plans because of the special birthday he's already been invited to, but they can do it another time. The teenagers also need to know they don't run the show. It's also a good life lesson that they can't mess up other people's plans (may not get that yet ha ha)
As for the costume drama. Don't worry about it. But next year you may want to tell them you tried last year and they didn't seem happy so you are leaving it up to their mom. Just keep yourself out of the drama.
I'm a mom of three and a step mom of one. My step daughter was 5 when I married her dad and is 16 now. Blending the family was easier when the kids were younger (but not easy) and got more difficult during the teenage years. Being a stepmom is not an easy path. But my husband is worth every bit of it! I love his daughter very much, but it's just a very complicated relationship. Stepfamilies are a lot of work but it's a lot of good too.
At this point I would stop inviting them--if the mom doesn't know what could happen then she can't have an influence. SO--plan away and let the girls know at the last minute and I do mean the last minute. That way if they want to go then they can without the adult influence. If they truly want to go they will and if not--they will stay with mom. Their choice. As for dad, he needs to choose if the kids are running the show (which they are right now) or he is--once he decides that then things will settle down. As for the biological mom who still has a problem--that won't go away but you can choose to ignore her so she doesn't have an influence on you. I'd plan my life with my kids because honestly--they deserve those good times too. You shouldn't have to deal with so much drama.
Blended families are rough. My sister is in the "step mom" position and for years she has fought what seems to be a losing battle. I have another friend in the "stem mom" position and like my sister fights the same battle. When it comes to carrying the "responsibility" like doctor's appointments and sort of the children they are fully responsible. However when it comes to making school decisions or taking part in conferences they are "banned." In my sister's case, her stepson NEEDED help with school and speech therapy. No matter how much she pleaded with Dad, he would never take charge and follow through with his Mom. The problems were apparent before he had even started school. Eventually his Mom advised her son he was not allowed to so much as ride with my sister. (Unless of course it was beneficial to her) Of course kids are smart and they know they can manipulate their parents too. When they don't get their way at one house, they want to go back to the other parents house. If your boyfriend is serious, he needs to communicate with the kids Moms that if anything she needs to be respectful of you. No you're not their mother, but you are an adult and should be respected. You worry about the happiness of your children. They are forever in your life. Not to mention if your children's funtime is getting spoiled because of your boyfriend's children then you run the chance of your kids not feeling like they are your number one. The first three years of my daughter's life I was a single mother. My husband came into the picture and took full responsibility for her. I am so thankful that I don't have to fight that battle. I'm sorry you are going through this. It appears you have done your part and some. Worry about your kids and if your boyfriend chooses to take part then he may be worthy of you and your children. Best of luck.
I think you have right to fell hurt and upset. I certainly would. It seems like you are trying REALLY hard to include your boyfriend's children in all that you do. You are extending your time, money and love, and then you just end up getting hurt in return. I think it definitely sounds as though the mother has something to do with the way the girls keep changing their minds all the sudden. Is there any way you or your boyfriend could start talking with the mother before you make plans/tell the teens? Not sure how the relationship is there, but maybe you could avoid shelling out your money and such when the mother is just going to end up nixing your plans. As for this weekend, I hope you and your girls have an AWESOME time at Disney. Happy Birthday to Violet!